Let’s hazard a guess: not that healthy. Okay, so if you’re good at computer maintenance, or protect yourself against the latest bugs, you can pat yourself on the back and not include yourself in that early statement.

But most of us run machines that are suffering to some degree, or other. Your computer is set to be on its best behaviour when it comes out of the box. New and pristine, it should be perfect.

Then, we humans get involved and things go down hill from there. We drop things over the keyboard, ram bits and pieces into the ports, load dubious programmes, create millions of files that we never sort, or delete, trawl the dark side of the internet and never stop to think whether the poor machine is quite up to the job.

But the biggest problem is that despite various diagnostic tools and self-help programmes, it’s very difficult to tell if your computer is healthy, or not. It would be great if you switched it on and it said, in the start-up programme: “What a terrible night I’ve had, things are going round and round in my head, and I just can’t think straight.”

Now if that happened, keeping it maintained might just be a doddle. Because, then you can take positive action: give it a few tablets, tell it to stop smoking, or get a grip on life (all figuratively speaking of course).

So, diagnosis can be tricky, and you have to get both a feel and an ear for your computer. Basically, when you’re computer is running sweet, remember how it behaves and how it sounds.

And lets be honest, an old computer is going to be a little lethargic, as opposed to a modern one, unless it has been reconditioned of course.

A computer is deemed as healthy if it can perform all its jobs, properly, within the boundaries of its capabilities. Bear in mind that there are hundreds of models and versions of computers, each able to operate at certain levels. And, the more able the computer, the more able it is to multi-task, which basically means you could be word processing, whilst having the internet open in another window, and a spreadsheet open in another. But to work within those boundaries, it needs the correct levels of processing, memory and storage power.

If you buy software, then you must always have a look at what it requires in computer power to operate. For example, you can’t just load Window’s Vista operating system (OS) onto a low specification computer and expect it to perform.

If you aspire to running the Windows Vista OS, then you’re going to have at least 512MB of memory, but most reckon to enjoy it at its best, you will need at least twice that at 1G of memory, if not 2G. The minimum recommended processor speed is 800MHz, but again, if you want it at its best, then get 2G plus if you can.

But apart from such obvious things as freezing, crashing, or giving up completely, one of the main signs of an unhappy computer is ‘chugging’. The delightful phrase means that the computer is going slower than you would normally expect. Meaning that key commands have a slight delay, applications are not loading, or closing as fast as they should, and web pages are taking an age to load.

Reasons could be there’s not enough memory for the computer, a badly organised, or full hard drive, or other programmes that are working in the background, or a slow internet connection.

Also, if your computer does appear to be doing something else in the background – working on a job that you have not actioned, or know that is happening (say your anti-virus programme), then this might be a sign that you are infected by some kind of malware.

This ‘background working’ can also be accompanied by your computer making the noise which means its stressed, accessing the hard drive and generally making a racket as it chatters like a robotic bird.

Don’t confuse this with the noise of the fans though, as modern computers reach incredibly high temperatures and the processor and memory boards need cooling to keep them from melting.

How Healthy Is Your Computer – Recap

• computers start well, then go downhill from there;
• no easy test for computer health;
• slow computer is classic sign of ill-health;
• background working can mean a virus.